And while I was at a loss for words and couldn’t really figure out how to describe the feeling that I had yesterday, she (being better than me at putting things into words) pretty much summed it up in her post describing her own feelings:
Oh man, I really loved that blind trip. I need to do it again sometimes. That cane makes me feel complete. I feel like I can be myself for once and be free. It’s insane.
She might say that my issue is not BIID because, according to her, it doesn’t exhibit itself in exactly the same way as her’s does, but all I can say is that the above quote is exactly how I felt as well.
I wish I could talk to her about it though – you know, exchange thoughts and experiences and such like…
Pretending at work while taking walks has really helped, and the great thing about it is that it doesn’t really distract from my ability to work. It’s helped my psyche tremendously, it’s almost crazy to compare the two.
The only thing that’s taken away the self harming urges is by pretending to be blind. Is this coping strategy, the only thing that makes my vision bearable enough where I don’t want to destroy it, truly as terrible as it seems when I truly tried my alternatives?
I didn’t want to turn this post – or the entire blog, for that matter – into a rant about my mother, but I think that’s what it’s becoming. Because I know that she reads my friend’s blog, and those of many other people with all the different variants of BIID, and she still says that pretending is not going to help me and only make things worse. Sometimes I wish she would cite her sources – because I am most likely correct to say that she doesn’t have any.
I guess ultimately my struggle is that I want to be independent in a state that is normally not truly independent.
I feel exactly the same way. It is strange that, as people with BIID, we seek “disabling” conditions but then strive to be as independent as possible. Perhaps that is because it is not really the “disability” aspect of the conditions that we seek, although that must be a factor as I find it hard to believe that it is just by pure coincidence that all the conditions sought by people with BIID are “disabling” ones.