As much as I want to be blind, there are still things that I do that absolutely require sight, including things done for recreation. And (most likely as a result of my Asperger’s) I don’t want any of those things left hanging or unfinished when I go blind. So I guess they kind of hold me back in a way, and the more of those things that I have unfinished the less inclined I am to actually attempt to make myself blind, even though continue to think about it.
Currently it’s a website theme that I’m designing, not for money or anything but just because I felt like it. As much as I get stressed from participating in the visual world of web design, I still have a visual side to my creativity and I want to turn those ideas into reality even though I have no need for them, and I don’t want that to be interrupted because I went blind/made myself blind. Before that it was a series of books by Andrew Clements about a blind girl called Alicia that I was reading but which weren’t available in braille (although they were ebooks and I did actually convert the second-to-last one to HTML to have it read out by my screenreader, mind you). Before that it was the TV series Covert Affairs – mainly because of the blind man Auggie Anderson. Before that it was the other TV series Arthur – especially the episodes with the blind girl Marina in them. (See the theme here?)
So these things kind of annoy me on one hand because while I enjoy them and it was completely my choice – under the same circumstances that I currently present myself in – they still hold me back from making myself blind because once I’ve started them I must finish them. And I also seem to have an annoying way of starting more things before I’ve finished the previous ones.
But while it’s still kind of hard for me to understand the value in not making oneself blind, perhaps others might view having a few visual things in one’s life – when one’s life is like mine, that is – as a good thing, because people think of me as being “in danger” and the more there is to tie oneself back to a sighted life the “safer” one is. So while in my case it’s frustrating having these things in my life to inhibit me from being free to make myself blind when I need to (like I can actually think of a feasible method of doing so anyway), it is perhaps a benefit not only to those around us but also to others like me but who despite having the same intensity of issues as me do not quite feel ready to go blind yet, and who can thus intentionally leave such things hanging so as to necessitate the continued integrity of their sight.