Lost two close friends…

So as an aspie I’ve never really known how one decides that an acquaintance is now a “friend” and not just someone that you know. I think the change normally happens when I’ve sent or received an email from them at least three times a week for two weeks straight, and at least two of those emails were sent by the other person without any prompting (i.e. that they actually care about communicating with me, not just replying to my questions). I’ve also never really known what it means to “lose” a friend, or how that happens. Until now.

I’m sure there are other definitions of the term, but I am quite sure that “losing” a friend – or shall we say, two friends – can refer to when your two closest friends gang up against you to tell you on three consecutive Skype calls – two to the one friend and one to the other – that all your mental issues are due to your mother being an “asshole”. (Sorry but I find that term so offensive that I have to put it in quotation marks.) And when they’re just about your only friends – and they’ve been a lifeline for the last few months due to also having the same variant of BIID as you have – that really hurts.

As usual, I don’t know of anything that I could have done to cause this. I think they just can’t accept that, when I say “my mother won’t let me pretend to be blind outside of home”, it actually means “my mother won’t let me pretend to be blind outside of home” and not “my mother will let me pretend to be blind outside of home if I persuade her enough”. Likewise when they ask me if I can let them talk to her because they would be able to help her understand how I am feeling (and I don’t doubt that they would, either) and I tell them “she doesn’t know about you, and she’d be mad if she knew I have been talking to you because she doesn’t even let me use the internet unsupervised”.

Somehow this has developed into them both saying (I introduced them to each other, so I guess I can’t complain that they talk about me behind my back – something which has been evident since they first met) that not only is my mother an “asshole” for preventing me from dealing with my BIID in the way that I need to, but she’s also an “asshole” for apparently causing my BIID by “controlling” me. Well so much for that, I think I know my mother better than they do and even if that is the case it’s not like I’m going to betray her now and tell her to “fuck off” (as my one “friend” put it).

I think there’s a pattern here actually: the more people learn about me and my, shall we say, “unusual” circumstances, the more they reject me. In that case, I wouldn’t be surprised if my new friend – the lady who made herself blind – rejects me some time soon too, as my relationship with her is getting to the point where people start to find out enough to reject me. Every time I make a new friend I think they’ll be the one to pull me through everything that I’m trying to cope with, but invariably just as I get to the point where I am depending on them for support they decide to dump me. I’m not sure how many more times I can go through this – perhaps I should just retreat back behind my laptop monitor, and not even bother with waiting for my last remaining friend to dump me too.


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